Bench Press Hero - Dude.

"Dude, how much you up to on your bench?"
"Probably around like, 300 Dude." (Around "300" is code for 250)
"Dude!"
"Yea, I know."
"300 dude?"
"300 dude."
"How often you benchin' dude?"
"3 times a week bro, I mean dude."
"Duuuddde"

The preceding was an actual conversation that I made up to illustrate how bench-press heroes think and operate. What exactly is a bench-press hero? Let me elaborate, dude.

There are two categories of bench-press hero or BPH. The first is the hardcore BPH. He lifts 3 times a week, and can be found exclusively on the bench-press. Typically he is benching more than he should be, without a spotter, which results in him being pinned under the bar a lot and squealing for help, followed by statements like "I thought it had it dude, I repped that like 10 times yesterday!" The hardcore BPH also does all sorts of weird bench variations that have absolutely no scientific foundation, because he usually made them up himself. He enjoys asking everyone else what they bench - dude, and offers unsolicited advise on how to improve your bench-press performance... Thanks, but no thanks dude.

The second category of BPH only lifts once or twice a month. He is also unfamiliar with any other machine besides the bench-press. His routine consists of doing a set and then standing up and checking himself out in the mirror for 5 minutes, then repeat. This sort of BPH is convinced that his rigorous, bi-monthly program is secretly making him huge. He can definitely see a difference after each set. And he wonders why the hardcore BPH is spending 3 days a week for the same imaginary results.

Oh Edward!

Recently a new craze has been sweeping the nation, yea, even the world. Many of you are well aware of the craze of which I speak. The dreaded “Teenage Vampire Craze”. Or the, “My wife is in love with a make-believe 17 year-old monster - craze”. Now all of you women out there, please spare me the argument. “Oh, well he only looks like a young boy. Really he is over a 100 years old!” Is that right? Then let me ask you this question. Are you into to boys or dirty old men? Don’t try to explain, just answer the question! Of course I am being facetious, we all know what you see in Edward; You like the fact that he looks like a innocent impressionable bot, yet he has 100 years of experience, satisfying women. Have I struck a nerve? I bet I have. You don’t like me speaking of your precious Edward that way, do you? Do You!?! And don’t waste anyone’s time trying to claim that us men are just jealous. Because we know we're jealous! We are not even trying to deny it! But before you sit back in your chair, in a satisfied, victorious manner, let me propose a scenario that might bring you back to reality.

Imagine one day you are going about you business in the house whistling a merry tune or singing a song you made up about your lust for Edward. “La la la, Oh Edward! Won’t you make me your vampire bride! Won’t you teach me your ways of undead love and then… I would start to fantasize about mortal men. Tra la la - la la…” While you are singing and dancing with an imaginary Edward, you happen across your husband, who is clearly engrossed in a book. Not only that, but he is completely oblivious to your presence and couldn’t care less that you are singing about Edward. So you approach him and ask what he is reading, only to get the following response.

“Oh, it is just a book about this really hot 17 year-old girl. In fact, it is about a whole gaggle of smokin’ hot teenage chicks and the men who lust after them. But the girls only look like teenagers, but really they are immortal, and are secretly like 100. You would like it honey, they are just full of passion and burning desire! Oh, and by the way, I think I am in love with main character, even though she is not real and I am a married adult.”

There, you see! It’s not so harmless when the shoe is on the other foot is it? You just consider that next time you’re trying to explain to your husband why you are infatuated with a minor. Or at least don’t act surprised the next time you catch him checking out high schoolers a the mall.

Random Defense of Ugly Animals #1

I am so sick of hearing how great horses are! “Oh, horses are sooo great!” “I just love horses” “Horses run sooo fast!” “Horses are so pretty” “Don’t turn that horse into glue!” “There better not be any horse meat in this dog food!” Blah blah blah… What about the other members of the horse family? Or have you forgotten about the loyal donkey, the noble mule, or the exotic zebra? What about these black sheep of the equine kingdom?

Let me ask you a question? When it comes time pull a plow, which would you rather have, a horse or a mule? If you said a mule, you’re in luck. If you said horse, you better be asking for two or three buddy, because a mule will out pull a stupid horse any day.

What if you are headed into the heart of the Grand Canyon! Horse or donkey? Again, if you picked the horse, I hope you are also packing a shovel, because you are going to need it when and if you reach the bottom…. To bury your freakin’ horse!

Now I know what you are saying: “Oh, but what about herding cattle?” What about herding cattle? Has there ever been an issue with the cows, outrunning the horses? If the issue is needing an animal that can run fast, why don’t we saddle up an ostridge? And if speed is the only thing that makes a horse superior to other equine, then let me ask you this question Mr. Ed. What are you running from punk? Huh? Because let me tell you something. If someone wants to start some trouble with a mule or a donkey, that mule isn’t going anywhere baby. He is going to stand right there like “Yea that’s right, I am sterile. Do you got somthin’ to say about it?... I didn’t think so.” And donkeys are even worse. A donkey is not afraid of anything but running. Donkeys are the like samurai of the animal kingdom. They would rather die standing then live running.

Last but not least, let’s talk about the rugged zebra. You tell me the last time a horse got attacked by a crocodile, a cheetah, a lion? Any horse still able to walk would be for getting the heck out of Dodge (or Africa in this case). But not the reckless zebra, oh no, they are thrill seekers, they prefer danger to the comfort of the sedentary life.

So just consider that next time you feel like praising some horse like that sell-out “Big Brown”. “Big Brown” my foot! Big Brown Tool is more like it. Run if you must, but you will be running alone.

Sara Palin

One of our loyal readers has requested that I do a post on Sara Palin. So I will give it a go, but all I can do is my best.

Who is this "Sara Palin" everyone keeps talking about? Lets start from the beginning... Sara was born in Tennessee, on top of one of the local mountains. Despite living in Alaska, she is very clear that she loves TN and considers it, "the greatest state in the land of the free". Sarah grew up in the woods of TN and was familiar with her surroundings and claims that she knew every tree near her home. Stories have been circulating about her being a bear hunter, but she dismisses these as just that "stories".

Sarah is well educated, and has several areas of expertise, including : challenging corruption, oil exploration, economic reform, and last but not least, "Ingin' Fightin'".

So what exactly fascinates us about Sara? Well, she is easy on the eyes, at least when compared to other female politicians, who I normally like to described as "human jerky". She wears hip glasses and actually has long hair instead of the classic, man-lady power-due. But what of her political views? Where does she really stand on the issues? Just what does Sara Palin stand for?

I think if Sara were here, she would say she stands for America! She stands for conservative values and traditions! She stands for rich, voluminous Auburn hair, with some highlights and tons of body. But above all she stands for you and me friend!

One last note on Sara Palin and her pregnant daughter. Would everyone that is pretending that this actually matters, in any way regarding political issues, please shut your dirty mouth! Especially those of you who blindly defended Willy Clinton during his "60's era" like, free-lovin' romp through 2 terms. That's right, so just put that in you liberal pipe and smoke it!

The DNC

The other day, for a brief moment, I happened across a broadcast of the Democratic National Convention. The speaker at the time was AZ Governor, Janet Napolitano. I had never seen Janet, nor had I ever heard her speak. But as I listened, one word kept entering my mind.... That work was "Stickinthemud". I mean, what a bunch of freaking stiffs! Her speech was sooo boring... Filled with anti-McCain slogans and slams, lame put-downs and self righteous propaganda... That's right, I said "propaganda". Try using that word in your next speech Janet.

Now don't get me wrong, I am sure the Republican "GOP" Convention was not any different. So mark my words Republicans, you will get yours. Oh yes, you will get yours. I may not have watched your convention, but I am banking it didn't take long for somebody to slip up and say exactly what every other filthy rich industrialist in the room was thinking about Obama. "But he's poor!, he's from a single parent household!... And he's Black!" Then some old southern lady, with a big hat and a fancy fan will be so horrified at the thought, that she will just pass out, like in the movies.

P.S. If you actually know something about politics, and want to set me and other readers straight; just save your breath preacher-man. I have no quarrel with you.

The Haiku

I love a good haiku. That's right - a good old haiku.
If you don't know what a haiku is, let me bring you up to speed.

A haiku is a style of Japanese poetry that consists of three lines, having 5 syllables, 7 syllables and 5 syllables respectively, and none of these line really rhymes.

I know I am weird, but I think this form of poetry is so funny. It is so simple and basically stupid that I can't help but throw out a haiku now and then. Here is a sample of my haiku skills. I wrote these in class on Saturday. They were all relevant topics at the time.

Computer

My laptop just crashed
I paid a nerd to fix it
Norton is a scam.


Autumn

Fall is coming on
Change thy hue oh shaky leaf!
Soon you will be dead.


The Portly Child

Huffing and puffing
This slope mocks my every step
Curse my soft, pear shape


Lactose Intolerant

Is this your cheese sir?
It is as poison to me
This milk, curd and whey.



*Please submit your own haiku or two in the comment section. It is a liberating experience.
If enough people submit, we can make a contest out of it.