Thursday, May 29, 2008

Buffet Style Food

Approximately 9 hours ago, I again made the mistake of eating at a Chinese buffet, and I can still feel it turning over in my stomach, refusing to digest. Why won't it digest you ask? Probably because my body is trying to reject it like it would any other poison. I make this mistake about every 2 or 3 years. Why? I don't know. Right now I am not interested in talking about why I eat buffet food every 3 years. I am more interested in trying to understand people who eat it on a regular basis, willingly.

First, lets identify buffets for what they really are. Instead of a sign that says "Something Buffet". There might more accurately be a sign that says "This establishment features food that is both cheap enough and that lasts long enough, for us to sell it to you for the price of a regular food, that is safe to eat." Or something close to that.

I think the reason folks eat these
human slop-troughs has to do with the presentation.
The marquee that says "All you can eat, $7.50". "Ohhh Maannn! All I can eat! How can I go wrong? Lets hit it and hit it hard!" Now what if I came up to you and said, "Hey man, give me $7.50 and you can go inside here and eat day old, greasy, room temperature food. All of which is indistinguishable from the other prison/military/Ernest Goes to Camp-type garbage in the next bin, and the next, and the next, (you get the idea). You would probably decline and might even begin to back up slowly and then gradually turn and run in the other direction. This is actually the safest most logical reaction you can have when you come face to face with the temptation to eat/feed at a buffet.

One final thought. Today, as I sat hunched over my plate, like a man being punished for and by the very act he was then committing, (What?, don't worry about it) I notice people loading up there plates as if it was one trip only. I wanted to ask, "You know its all you can eat right? So... are you loading up because you are afraid it will all be gone when you come back? (Its never gone) Or, are you afraid your heart (or entire body) might just give out from the horrendous abuse you are subjecting it to, before you can reload?" Neither answer is better than the other, but it is something to ponder.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

American Gladiators!!!

A few days ago my 4 year old and I stumbled across this little nugget of jaw dropping stupidity. And yet - I sat there watching every minute. Even after my 4 year old figured out that it was beneath him and lost interest, I stayed glued, unable to turn away. This show is just bad enough to keep you interested. The characters are so lame, but at the same time so serious. It's like Wrestle-Mania and Cirque Du Soleil got together and had some underdeveloped love-child.

At the heart of the show are the "Gladiators". Each one with a different theme an back story. The most painful of all of these to watch (and that's saying something) is bizarre fellow pictured above who calls himself "The Wolf". Where to start, where to start. Oh yes. Well, The Wolf apparently believes he is a real wolf of some sort and that he is actually hunting and killing the contestants. He has fangs and howls before or during each event to strike fear into the heart of his prey.

The following is taken Wolf's Bio on the AG website:

"When you enter Gladiator Arena keep an eye out for Wolf! Able to smell fear and always going for the jugular, Wolf is 230-pounds of primal fury. He will ferociously defend his turf... and thrives on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge."

Oh I'll keep an eye out alright. The last thing I need is 230 pounds of "primal fury" bearing down on me... ferociously. No thank you Sir!

I encourage everyone within the sound of my voice to visit the AG website to check for local listings. I would love to know what you thought about the show.

P.S. Check out this video for a better understanding of just how dangerous "The Wolf" really is.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Wal-Mart, You Inspire Me

Nearly every time I step into a Wal-Mart, I find my imagination wandering. For instance...
The other day when I was at Wal-Mart, I saw a lady buying an entire season of "Walker-Texas Ranger". And I thought to myself, I wonder what sort of conversation(s) this woman is having with her husband as they watch Chuck roundhouse his way out of one dangerous situation after another. "Oooh, look out Walker! Roundhouse him!" Better yet, roundhouse him in
slow-motion!!! "Boy, Walker always waits until all hope is lost to break out that roundhouse."

Then I started wondering what else she had wasted money on that month. ?.? The following list of obvious answers came to mind:
1. A turquoise bracelet, in-laid with last years elk ivories.
2. A camouflage vest for their pure-bred Blue Heeler.
3. Front row tickets to an Oakridge Boys, tribute-band concert at the
lions club.
4. A can of premium mustache wax.
5. And last but not least, a month supply of TV dinners (We've got a whole season of Walker to get through!)