New Haikus


The Portly Child: Part Deux

He eats his desert
Truly happy. Let him be
This moment is pure


The Good News

Ma'am your son is dumb
But, he is also ugly...
Oh,.. I meant bad news


The Rivalry

BYU, Utah
Can't we all just get along?
The answer is "no"

Dolphin Free Tuna

What I am about to say my shock some of you, while delighting others. Until last year, I honestly had no idea that it was a bad think to have a little dolphin in with your tuna. I have always purposely avoided the brands of tuna that say "Dolphin Safe", because I consider dolphin to be a sort of delicacy. I thought it was some sort of name brand thing, where only the cheap brands couldn't afford to put a some dolphin meat in with the regular old tuna meat.

"Wow, Dolphin meat must be worth a ton" I would say to myself. I always wondered why they didn't include a percentage rating to show how much dolphin the tuna had, like, "contains 25% real dolphin meat". I would have scooped that up in a heartbeat.

Also, I always wondered why there were no fishing shows that were out there catching record setting dolphins.?.? "Oooooh, he's a 300 pound Bottle nose for sure!" "Man we thought we had us a big old Spotted, but it was just a dirty old Tuna!

Come to think of it, this explains why I was tossed out of Sea World, after inquiring about dolphin burgers at the food stand. "What!?!, Seaworld doesn't have dolphin burgers!?! That's like not being able to get simple Giraffe sandwich at the Zoo.

Black Tennis Shoes

Here is your random thought for the week...

What is the deal with solid black tennis shoes? I think you know what I am talking about. Haven't you ever just been talking with someone who is a little off, only to look down and notice that they are wearing solid black tennis shoes, similar to those pictured above? And here is another question. Where the freak do you even get black tennis shoes? I don't ever remember seeing these things for sale. I mean, is there a special black-shoe store somewhere? Or a secret section of the shoe store that I don't know about? Wherever it is, I bet other items sold in that area of the store also include things like: suspenders and ties that look like piano keys,... those weird 50's style hats that mobsters and jazz saxophonists always wear,... (see below) and of course, calculator watches.

P.S. Actually that reminds me... Does anyone know were I can buy a calculator watch?

Rush Delivery Available!

I'm Back Baby! - I have been so swamped with work and school that I had lost all will to laugh, but recently I saw a classic info-mercial demanded my immediate mockery.

Every few months they come out with those new lame music collections that they for "A-Limited- Time-Only!" Like the "Greatest Oldies" collection or "Monsters of Rock" or "Monster Ballads". Now right now some of you are growing a bit uneasy and wondering if I'm going to attack your precious "Ballads", but I won't... I would love to, but I don't have time. For now there is a far more pressing matter that needs to be addressed... The Dance Mix Collection!

There are endless reasons why I would never spend money, or even take money to own one of these CD's, but as I listen to the commercial, explaining why this particular collection is a "Must Have" for any music fan, 2 things really catch my attention:

#1 - At the end of the mercial, there is always this mind-blowing phrase: "Rush Delivery Available!" Rush delivery available? Rush Delivery Available!?!? I want to meet the party-animal that not only spent money on this spectacular collection, but then took it one step further and actually had that bad boy rushed to his door. -Allow me to set the stage - A college sophomore, age 27, wearing a purple headband with sequins, eating puffed, generic Cheetos, sitting indian style on the living room floor. The commercial comes on and without breaking his gaze on the screen says "Mom, hand me that phone". I guess when you gotta dance, you gotta dance!

#2 - Another subtle clue as to the type of people buying these CD's is this statement, "Send cash, check or money order to....... First of all, if you still do not own a credit card or a bank card, it is seriously past time to unhitch the wagon, get some indoor plumbing and live in the now! Secondly, if your financial situation is crappy enough to necessitate using a money order to buy a 10 dollar CD! Chances are you shouldn't be buying the Dance Mix Collection. Yet ironically, it is likely your irrational love of useless crap that landed you in this predicament in the first place. But even as you are reading this, your heart you are already there, preparing to dance.

I think legendary dance band "The Real McCoy" put it best when they penned the imortal phrase: "Rhythm-rhythm... Rhythm-rhythm... Rhythm is a dancer. It's a soul's companion. You can feel it everywhere! But lift your handsome voices, free your mind and join us! You can feel it in the air. Ohhh...!!!"

Re: Mormon Fiction (See my blog list)

*Before you read this, you have to go and read the "Mormon fiction blog" linked on the right.

I have always found this to be an exciting and original genera of literature myself. All those totally original stories about a unlikely heroine on the planes, fighting for survival, overcoming hardship and triumphing in the end! Remember? That one book? About the struggling family? No, not that one, it was just like it, but the names were different, and the family was eaten by wolves, not killed by Indians... But it ended happy.

Clearly I am being sarcastic (What a surprise!)

Anyway, here is my idea for a new series in "Realistic Mormon Fiction" - (That's actually believable)

Book #1. "Divine Secrets of the 34-D Sisterhood" - A group of middle relief society sisters get breast augmentations and soon find out their new additions give them a strange power over every man they know. Now they must decide if they will use this new, strange power for good, or evil. Join these adventurous sisters as they embark on this journey of spontaneous growth & self discovery. You will experience the joy that comes with each timid look of restrained amazement, and the heartache that every disapproving glare brings.

Book #2. "Weirded Out" - The side story of everyone who didn't get a boob job.

Book #3. "Still Weirded Out" - Taking place 1 year after the original 34-D story, this final chapter in the "34-D" series explores the ways in which various ward members and friends have chosen to deal with their conflicted feelings regarding the "Sisterhood". Haled as the "darker" & "more gritty" of the 3 books, "Still Weirded" takes an unflinching look at both sides of the "Augmentation Argument".

What I am really thankful for.

With Thanksgiving now past, the holiday season has officially begun. Every year we answer that age old question, "what are you thankful for". And every year we give the same stock answers. "My family, friends, a house, food to eat, blah, blah, blah!.

What are you really thankful for? What is something in your life that has never let you down, made you mad, or caused you stress?

Today I found a paper with two crudely drawn pictures on it. One was lobster, the other was a pickle. I asked my 4 year-old why he had drawn those two things and he responded very matter of factly "They told us to draw what we were thankful for, so I drew a pickle and a lobster."

"Of course!" I thought, "It makes perfect sense." Pickles have no natural enemies and the lobster he was referring to is stuffed and therefore harmless.

This really made me reevaluate what I am truly grateful for. What are the things in my life that are simple, good and purely beneficial, with no drawbacks or compromises? I offer the following list:

1. Ankle Socks - I love these little guys! They protect my feet from my shoes and don't ever fall down or bunch up.

2. Q-Tips - "Hello, my name is Shea... And I am a Q-Tip-Aholic" Everyday after I shower, I use my beloved Q-tips. In fact, sometimes I will shower just so I can use a Q-Tip. Here's another confession. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I will just get up and clean out my ears for no reason at all, other than I love how it feels to clean my ears. You think I'm crazy? Well maybe you are just repressed!

3. Sneezing - Sneezing is like a free 1 second, natural high. If you don't know what I am talking about, chances are that you aren't allowing yourself a full uninhibited sneeze. Forget about being politically correct! Next time you have to sneeze, just let-r'-rip! You'll thank me later.

4.My Blankie - Here me now world! I am 28 years old and I have a blankie! (Really it is more of a quilt but you get the point) It was a Christmas present from my grandmother when I was 18. And I have slept with it nearly every night since and I LOVE it. I literally love my precious blanket. If my house was burning down, I would run back inside, risking my life, to save my blankie. Just like those lame scenes from the movies. Fire Cheif - "Okay!, that's everyone! The building could come down any second!" Me-"Wait, what about my blanket! I've got to save my Bbblllaannkket..." (my voice trails off as I run back into the burning building). In this daydream, the story either ends with me emerging triuphantly from the crumbling building after an impossible amount of time inside the blaze, with the blanket in my arms, or with the firefighters finding us dead the next morning, curled up together, with some sort of melted metal between us, shaped like a heart.


P.S. I would love to hear what you are really greatful for. Please don't be afraid to share, we are are all friends here.

You can be anything you want to be. (almost)

The other day my wife had some errands to run and I was left home, taking care of my two boys. We were I was sitting at the table having a snack, when out of nowhere my 4 year-old announces, "I'm going to be an Indian when I grow up." He said it very matter-of-factly, just like in a, "just so you know" sort of way. "Oh really?" I said. And he responded "Yea, I'm gonna get that triangle thing (referring to an indian arrow head he has) and rub it on a frog and kill animals with it. Here, he was clearly confusing our Native American Tribes, with the indigenous tribes of South America (a common mistake for a 4 year old) but I let it go and asked what someone has to do or have to be an Indian? He said "Well I already got one of those triangle things, so I won't have to buy that, and I need a band that goes around my head."

I had to admit he had a pretty solid plan and I was wondering about becoming an Indian myself, but then I remembered something else, so I asked him about having white skin, and how that would effect his plans to become an Indian. He really thought about it and said "Well, you don't have to have brown skin to be an Indian. I thought his over, and knowing it could become an issue in the future I suggested to him that maybe, being an Indian, was more of a state of mind, rather than some clearly defined biological or genetic "fact". He readily agreed and that is where the conversation ended. And though I was uncomfortable with the idea at first, I think I have really come to respect his decision.

I think as parents we have a tendency to take it personal when our children choose a path in life, that is different than our own. But then I have to remember when I was young, and I decided I wanted to be a lion, in a circus. "Oh, that's nonsense!" they told me. "It can't be done." Well, my spirit was crushed, and gave up that dream, and I have regretted it everyday since. So when my son, my own flesh and blood, looked me in the eyes and said "I am going to be an Indian!" I knew I couldn't be responsible for crushing that dream.