Thursday, April 5, 2012

Unsolicited Fashion Advice

A brief word on today's fashions. Specifically on some common fashion mistakes people tend to make, not because they are bad people, but because they haven't updated their style since they graduated high school.

First item on the chopping block... "Turquoise Anything" Let me state this as plainly as possible; not only has there never been an item of clothing that looked good in turquoise, but turquoise has NEVER even been in style! There is always a better color option. For instance; if you ever find yourself holding up two cute tops, one in turquoise, the second in some other color, guess what! You are only holding ONE cute top! Don't say I didn't warn you. I might be the only person who loves you just enough to be honest with you. Who else is going to give you honest feedback on those turquoise pants? Your friend? Your spouse? Your lover!? These people are spineless and only looking out for their best interest.

And on the note of colored pants. There are precious few situations where you can get away with wearing bright colored pants. Say for instance you are the lead singer of a massively popular band, AND it is 1972. Then you are well within the limits of what can be considered acceptable, and have nothing to worry about.

A second condition in which you can likely pull off wearing bright colored pants is if you happen to be very, and I mean VERY attractive. Like so attractive that nobody is going to remember what color your pants were wearing anyway. Like so attractive that when a wife has to slap her husband on the back of his head, to get him to stop staring at you, she actually gets caught up in how attractive you are, and also stares until you are out of sight and then apologizes to her husband for slapping him.

Now some advise for the guys:

Goatee's, along with frost n' tipped hair are OUT! Goatee's have been out since the mid 1990's. The only business you have sporting a goatee, is if you also drive a jacked up truck and wear you hats backwards. But this is were it gets complicated because wearing your hat backwards is only okay if you are playing inter-mural flag football, or if you are Sylvester Stallone and you are trying to win an Arm-Wrestling contest so that you can provide for your spoiled, estranged son, with whom you recently reconnected.

I really don't know where to start with frost n' tipped hair. This was secretly out, even when it was in. (Which was a long, long time ago). I am still surprised every time I run across a dude who is still "frostin' his tips". Really it's the turquoise pants of hair styles.

Now you may ask, "Who made you the authority?!" Well let me answer your question with a question. Do I need to be an authority to tell you not to jump off a 20 story building without a parachute? Would I need to possess some extra-special knowledge of the law to advise you against selling pure, uncut heroine, in the parking lot of a middle school? I hope not my friend. So take it or leave it. But know this; I speak the truth! The pure, uncut truth...

Monday, March 19, 2012

Prison Rich

Sometimes when I look around my house at all the random stuff I have, I think, how much is this worth... in prison? Because I think everything is probably worth more in prison. A lot more. And I'm not just talking about my homemade tattoo gun, or my collection of large nails, with crude handles fashioned out of masking tape.

I first had this idea when I was opening a can of tuna and was thinking about how sharp that can lid was, and how quickly I could cut myself if I weren't careful. "Eeeeasy boy," I thought to myself as I peeled the lid back. But then I thought, what if I were in prison, and had this tuna-can lid?

I'll bet someone would pay good money, or a bunch of smokes, or even a smaller, weaker prisoner for a good, sharp can lid! Then I really started thinking about it in realistic terms. If I had the tuna lid, I could fasten it to the end of a stick or an old tooth brush and make a formidable weapon. Then, I could just take those items from other prisoners, couldn't I? Because, whose going to mess with the guy with the tuna-can lid?

It seems like in that scenario, prison wouldn't be half bad. Unless someone else had thought to smuggle in a tuna-can lid. Or, heaven forbid, one of those giant lids off of a gallon sized can of stewed tomatoes! I guess that guy could pretty much write his own ticket, huh? Dang, I wish I had thought of that first. If only I hadn't gotten so distracted by that stupid tuna can.