Proposed Rule Changes For The Gym

This year my New-Year’s resolution was to get back into shape. This involved actually attending the Gym where I have had a pass for two years. Now, you may not know this, but, I tend to get a little irritated with people at random times and for reasons that would not really matter to other people. Nevertheless!, Despite my best efforts, when I am at the gym, I find myself watching people without even knowing it, hearing people without trying, and most unfortunate of all, Smelling people who obviously can’t smell themselves.

With that brief stroll through history behind us, I would like to look forward to the future and explore what could very well be the solution to all my gym-based problems.

I would like to submit the following list of rules that I think should apply to every gym in America (or at least to any gym where I might be found). This is just a preliminary sketch mind you, but I think the overall idea really captures the essence of what I am trying to achieve. Try to imagine this list posted above the entry way in large, but friendly letters.

Rule #1

All patrons must leave their cell phones in their vehicles or be subject to having that same phone ripped out of their hands, mid-conversation and smashed bitterly against the nearest concrete surface.

Rule #2

When you are inside the gym, please refrain from chatting with friends, striking up conversations, hitting on chicks, lying about your life outside the gym, talking to me, using lame one-liners (my next post will be about one-liners), or any other sort of ongoing communication designed to get you out of actually working out.

Rule #3

Attention: All giant, meat-headed jocks with cut-off t-shirts, inflated self-esteems, outdated heavy metal music and bad haircuts, before beginning your workout, check to see if Shea is already working out. If he is, you will need to leave.

Rule #4

Women will be prohibited from wearing a) weightlifting gloves, b) weightlifting belts, c) Headphones that are from the 80’s and have an antenna sticking out of them. Women will also be asked to not “pump iron” as if they were a Russian power-lifter.*

*(It has come to our recent attention that men are sickened by the sight of a sweaty woman, benching twice her own body weight, grunting and straining, struggling for breath, and roaring like a angry Viking after each rep.)

Rule #5

If you are a person who produces a pungent rotting-flesh like smell when you sweat; please have the common decency to either wear a ridiculous amount of deodorant or to workout in some sort of NASA designed/approved space suit.

Thank you, the management.