Fanatics

Attention: Sports fanatics, fanatic sport-parents, hunting (huntin’) fanatics, multi-level marketing fanatics, religious fanatics, health fanatics, environmental fanatics and 18 inch lift-on-my-giant-truck fanatics; read no further.

For the rest of you, read on and enjoy a good laugh at the expense of these poor soles.

I know a lot of people in this world that are fanatics of one sort or another. I also see a lot of fanatics from day to day. I make a special point of avoiding these people. I avoid them so I won’t have to add them to my “Known Fanatic” list. I also avoid them so I won’t have to hear their endless babblings about whatever bandwagon they have blindly jumped onto. But mostly I avoid them because I find these sorts of people unimaginably annoying.

Above I listed some of the more prominent groups of fanatics. There are of course, dozens, if not hundreds more that we could list. However, I think for the sake of time we will just focus on a few who’s uncompromising commitment to their craft, makes them an easy target for those of us still living in reality.

1. The Fanatic Sport Parent:

Nothing says “I am a loser trying to relive my glory days”, (or trying to make up for a lack thereof) like a parent, red faced and screaming from the sidelines or the stands; carrying on about poor calls, bad plays, cheap shots etc. My absolute favorite is the has-been or never-was that will sit and openly berate the children on the opposing team, with their parents in plain earshot. “You suck number 15” “Take his head off Chet!, he’s a sissy!” “Let the baby have his bottle!”.

All of this could be taking place at a high school basketball game, or at an Easter Egg Hunt. The true sports fanatic will become over involved and over invested in anything that might be seen as competitive. Projecting their insecurities onto the world and their unfortunate kids is how these parents deal with their own shortcomings.

To you the fanatic sport parent, I say “You Suck!” And I put you at the top of the list.

2. Hunting or Huntin’ Fanatics:

Some day if I rule the world, or at least a small portion of it, I am going to collect and burn all things camouflage, and watch this group of bad-English-talkin’ morons scramble like chimpanzees in a banana famine. “What will we wear? What will we cover our truck-seats with? What color of shirts will we print lame hunting slogans on?”

Panic would ensue, countless cans of beer would be spared, countless lies would go untold, proper English would be spoken, wives and other intelligent people everywhere would rejoice.

3. Multi-Level Marketing Fanatics: (Warning, don’t read this if you have every tried to get me to sign up for any multi-level scam. Seriously, you are going to get mad, and when you confront me about it, I’m not going to pretend to care or to be sorry.)

If I were to write a book about why America Hates multi-level marketers, the title would have to be pretty long out of pure descriptive necessity. It would read:

Falling for the same stupid trick time after time because I wanted to believe I could make easy money and get rich quick;
The story of how I tried to sell out my friends and family for personal gain and shameless greed.

Catchy, don’t you think? (I would love to hear your title suggestions. Just click on the comment button below. Please note that all comments are open to the public.)

Now I’m not trying to say that all multi-level business plans are bad; just every one that I’ve ever dealt with or heard of. Look, everyone makes mistakes, if you have ever been involved with this sort of scam, it’s not too late to come back. You can still get a real job, work hard and pull your weight like the rest of the world. However, just in case you are still convinced you have found that one sure thing and it’s only a matter of time before you are making bank for doing nothing, let me take this opportunity to tell you a little secret. (Imagine me saying this to you in a whisper) You won’t get rich or make any money for that matter. Neither will anyone you lie to and trick into signing up... But most importantly, (Now imagine me yelling this in your face) don’t waste your or my time by telling me about it.

P.S. I also predict the Lakers will lose to the Celtics and Kobe Bryant will never reach the finals again.