The One-Liner

(A brief lame statement, loosely geared towards humor that requires only a brief response)

Oh the one-liner. Humanities weapon of last resort when combating an awkward silence. This is basically a way of letting someone know, that you don’t yet consider them a friend, but have moved passed the stage of mere recognition. Long gone are the days of a brief head nod or a hand gesture followed by a half-hearted “what’s up”. No no no, now you’ve entered the dreaded realm of the casual acquaintance. Once you have entered this no-man’s-land of human interaction, there is no escape. You can only move forward to real conversations, or cut all ties completely. Each time you see this person, you have a decision to make. “Do I use a lame one-liner, or do I actually engage them in meaningful conversation?” You see them there, at the store, the gym, the game and you start to stumble over your words. Your lips move but no sound is coming out. Should you sake hands, high-five, make a comment about a relevant topic? Quick something, anything, you are almost to walk by!.!.!…. Then you hear your self say it “Hey stranger, long time, no see.” And against their better judgment they reply, “Tell me about it.”

And really, what else were they going to say?

“Boy, I guess they will let anyone in here.” – “Tell me about it”

“So you finally decided to show up to the gym huh” – “Tell me about it”

“Man, you are even uglier than the last time I saw you” – “Tell me about it”

“Hey, we figured you got lost on the way here” – “Tell me about it”

The list goes on and on. Real one-line abusers have endless lame statements they can call upon when needed, rather than making real conversation. The problem with this is that you might be sucked into their web of endless banter. These people can be seen making their way through a crowded room, using a different zinger for every person there. So choose your response carefully. Once you zing back, you’re in for life.

Here are some suggestions for avoiding this senseless cycle. Lets use the examples from above:

Someone says, “Boy, I guess they’ll let anyone in here.” You say, “That’s true, but I wish they would ban minorities and women”

“So you finally decided to show up to the gym huh.” – You say “Yes, my wife is cheating on me so I need to get into shape to beat the other guy to death”

“Man, you are even uglier than the last time I saw you.” – You say, “I think your daughter is hot! ”

"Hey, we figured you got lost on the way over" - You say, "We once got lost as kids, three of us starved to death before they found us."

Just a suggestion.