Mini Shopping Carts

I want to go on record and publicly voice my disapproval of the mini-shopping carts that have been systematically replacing hand baskets in many super-markets.

I have always found the entire shopping experience to be emasculating enough without having to push around something that looks like it belongs as part of a shopping themed Barbie-Doll set.

The hand basked has historically provided men with an alternative to pushing an entire shopping cart. And unless you carried it in crook of your elbow, you could still pull off a pretty manly look, while shopping for baby food, organic soy milk and feminine hygiene products.

Now with the advent of these mini-carts, your only choice is to pick between carts, or do like I do and load up 50 lbs of groceries in your arms and then try to casually walk around with your neck veins popping out as you strain to carry 2 gallons of milk, a large cantaloupe, a jumbo pack of toilet paper, a bundle of bananas, a loaf of bread and a family pack of chicken thighs.

My only comfort comes from seeing 5 other guys in the checkout line; veins popping, beads of sweat gathering on their foreheads, refusing to give in to the mini-cart craze. As we exchange subtle gestures of solidarity, my milk jugs and the cantaloupe somehow begin to feel lighter.

Global Warming?

I have an inconvenient truth for my all my environmentalist friends out there... You are trying to sell this global warming business to the wrong crowd if you are anywhere north of Arizona state line.
I am not so concerned about whether or not people accept global warming as a scientific fact. I think the bigger and more realistic problem is that even if you convince people living in cold climates that global warming is real, they will think it is awesome. When you are finished explaining to these people that their climate is going to get warmer, and that rising sea levels will mostly affect people in California, they are still going to be waiting for the bad news... Allow me to set the scene.
A well educated Ph.D. of some sort is at a town hall meeting, somewhere deep in red-America, doing his best to explaining to the locals about the dangers of global warming. Upon finishing his spirited presentation a hand is raised and the following conversation takes place.

Farmer - "Errrrr..., uhhhh..., was there supposed to be a warning in there somewhere Mr. science man?"
Ph.D. - "Aren't you listening you stupid hick!? I said there would be no more severe winter weather!"
Farmer - "Uh huh."
Ph.D. - "Summer would be like 6 months long!"
Farmer - "Yes sir..."
Ph.D. - "And all those intellectual types living along the coasts, who hate your stinkin' guts, because of your morals and values, would lose their houses!"
Farmer, (now speaking very slowly and carefully enunciating his words) - "I'm with you so far... Now, at what point does the bad stuff start happening?"

They would likely go on like that for hours.

The Ph.D. could also warn them about how their land would become insanely valuable, and how the extra rain would likely turn their entire area in to a tropical paradise, and how the women of that area, would of course become more attractive as the warm summer sun kept their skin golden-brown, all year round, forcing them to wear less, if any clothing at all....

No,... I am sorry Mr. Science man. While all of that sounds perfectly awful to me, I think you will have to come up with a more convincing argument if you expect to get anywhere with these people.

30 Years Old

Today is my 30th birthday. (That's me in the picture)
I remember when I was a kid and 30 seemed so old. Now that I am there, it seems even older. In recent months I have started to find gray hairs peeking out here and there. The transformation has already started! Before I know it, my kids will be helping me eat and dabbing slobber off my chin!

Maybe I am being melodramatic about this whole thing, but I don't think so. What I do think is that everyone else is not being dramatic enough!

They say that men are like fine wine, in that they get better with age. And I guess this is true... If your name is Sean Connery or George Clooney. Aside from those two people, everyone else just gets older with age.

Better with age my foot! Do you know who made up that saying? The same group of liars that said "Winning isn't everything" and "All you can do is you best". Well let me give you a little reality therapy buddy. Your best wasn't good enough and you lost! And now you will never get another chance, because that was your last year of high school and you blew it! Now you will never date the prom queen (whoever that was?) and before you know it, you will be 30 years old and considering which shade of "Just for Men" is right for you! Dang you George Clooney, for setting the bar so high!!!

Now I can already hear your rebuttals and arguments:

"But Shea, you're still the best looking guy I know."

and

"I would kill for your intellect at any age!"

or

"Of all your over-achieving, nerdy siblings, who thought they were so special excelling in remedial classes, taught at a stupid, second rate high-school, getting 4.0 GPAs and scholarships while you were still struggling through math 101, not because you were stupid, but because you were too busy partying with all the cool kids, every night of the week to waste time studying for some dorks test, who hates you anyway, because you nic-named him "Poop-Tooth", which was less of a nic-name and more of an actual description, that you inavertently blurted out during an assembly!!!....!!....! (Deep Breath)...... What was I saying?... Oh nevermind. I just wanted you to admit that I was the best looking person you know and that my siblings were all nerds.

New Haikus


The Portly Child: Part Deux

He eats his desert
Truly happy. Let him be
This moment is pure


The Good News

Ma'am your son is dumb
But, he is also ugly...
Oh,.. I meant bad news


The Rivalry

BYU, Utah
Can't we all just get along?
The answer is "no"

Dolphin Free Tuna

What I am about to say my shock some of you, while delighting others. Until last year, I honestly had no idea that it was a bad thing to have a little dolphin in with your tuna. I have always purposely avoided the brands of tuna that say "Dolphin Safe", because I consider dolphin to be a sort of delicacy. I thought it was some sort of name brand thing, where only the cheap brands couldn't afford to put a some dolphin meat in with the regular old tuna meat.

"Wow, Dolphin meat must be worth a ton" I would say to myself. I always wondered why they didn't include a percentage rating to show how much dolphin the tuna had, like, "contains 25% real dolphin meat". I would have scooped that up in a heartbeat.

Also, I always wondered why there were no fishing shows that were out there catching record setting dolphins.?.? "Oooooh, he's a 300 pound Bottle nose for sure!" "Man we thought we had us a big old Spotted, but it was just a dirty old Tuna!

Come to think of it, this explains why I was tossed out of Sea World, after inquiring about dolphin burgers at the food stand. "What!?!, Seaworld doesn't have dolphin burgers!?! That's like not being able to get simple Giraffe sandwich at the Zoo.

Black Tennis Shoes

Here is your random thought for the week...

What is the deal with solid black tennis shoes? I think you know what I am talking about. Haven't you ever just been talking with someone who is a little off, only to look down and notice that they are wearing solid black tennis shoes, similar to those pictured above? And here is another question. Where the freak do you even get black tennis shoes? I don't ever remember seeing these things for sale. I mean, is there a special black-shoe store somewhere? Or a secret section of the shoe store that I don't know about? Wherever it is, I bet other items sold in that area of the store also include things like: suspenders and ties that look like piano keys,... those weird 50's style hats that mobsters and jazz saxophonists always wear,... (see below) and of course, calculator watches.

P.S. Actually that reminds me... Does anyone know were I can buy a calculator watch?

Rush Delivery Available!

I'm Back Baby! - I have been so swamped with work and school that I had lost all will to laugh, but recently I saw a classic info-mercial demanded my immediate mockery.

Every few months they come out with those new lame music collections that they for "A-Limited- Time-Only!" Like the "Greatest Oldies" collection or "Monsters of Rock" or "Monster Ballads". Now right now some of you are growing a bit uneasy and wondering if I'm going to attack your precious "Ballads", but I won't... I would love to, but I don't have time. For now there is a far more pressing matter that needs to be addressed... The Dance Mix Collection!

There are endless reasons why I would never spend money, or even take money to own one of these CD's, but as I listen to the commercial, explaining why this particular collection is a "Must Have" for any music fan, 2 things really catch my attention:

#1 - At the end of the mercial, there is always this mind-blowing phrase: "Rush Delivery Available!" Rush delivery available? Rush Delivery Available!?!? I want to meet the party-animal that not only spent money on this spectacular collection, but then took it one step further and actually had that bad boy rushed to his door. -Allow me to set the stage - A college sophomore, age 27, wearing a purple headband with sequins, eating puffed, generic Cheetos, sitting indian style on the living room floor. The commercial comes on and without breaking his gaze on the screen says "Mom, hand me that phone". I guess when you gotta dance, you gotta dance!

#2 - Another subtle clue as to the type of people buying these CD's is this statement, "Send cash, check or money order to....... First of all, if you still do not own a credit card or a bank card, it is seriously past time to unhitch the wagon, get some indoor plumbing and live in the now! Secondly, if your financial situation is crappy enough to necessitate using a money order to buy a 10 dollar CD! Chances are you shouldn't be buying the Dance Mix Collection. Yet ironically, it is likely your irrational love of useless crap that landed you in this predicament in the first place. But even as you are reading this, your heart you are already there, preparing to dance.

I think legendary dance band "The Real McCoy" put it best when they penned the imortal phrase: "Rhythm-rhythm... Rhythm-rhythm... Rhythm is a dancer. It's a soul's companion. You can feel it everywhere! But lift your handsome voices, free your mind and join us! You can feel it in the air. Ohhh...!!!"