Monday, January 31, 2011

Air Strikes

I don’t understand why the use of air-strikes has been limited to the Middle-East and Afghanistan. Doesn’t it seem like we are needlessly depriving ourselves of a really effective law enforcement tool here at home? I for one would feel more secure in the knowledge that a remote-controlled Predator Drone was buzzing around somewhere over head, ever vigilant and ready to drop bombs or fire missiles at the first sign of trouble.

Imagine how quickly you would put an end to things like high-speed car chases, cross-border drug smuggling, prison riots, and most stand-off’s in general.

It would only take once wouldn’t it? You would see the initial news story about an armed man, who has barricaded himself inside his house. The SWAT team is preparing to enter, but then somebody has the idea… “Hey, lets just call in an air-strike!” What a great idea!” everyone would say, patting the guy on the back. (Because everybody loves a good air-strike). Of course, they would have to give the belligerent drunkard inside at least one firm warning before the blew the whole place to kingdom-come. But after one or two news stories ending with a precision bombing, armed gunmen everywhere would start weighing their options a bit more carefully. I am guessing that the lists of demand’s would get a lot shorter and that they would almost always start with #1 – Don’t fire any guided missiles into this building… Too late!… Boom!!! Problem solved.

Imagine how differently the OJ Simpson chase down that freeway in L.A. would have ended. “Attention Mr. Simpson… Pull that white Bronco over before the next exit, or we are literally going to blow you up in spectacular fashion.” Breaks would have promptly been applied and a collective grown of disappointment would have been heard across America.

Thus far, I don’t really see any flaws in such an approach. Sure there would be plenty of property damage and some cleanup would be necessary, but any money lost on property damage would easily be recouped in saved legal fees and a the new market for “air-strike cleanup” would give the small business sector just the shot in the arm it needs.

At this point, I am not going to say this is a perfect plan. But I'm also not going to say it isn't

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Mini Shopping Carts

I want to go on record and publicly voice my disapproval of the mini-shopping carts that have been systematically replacing hand baskets in many super-markets.

I have always found the entire shopping experience to be emasculating enough without having to push around something that looks like it belongs as part of a shopping themed Barbie-Doll set.

The hand basked has historically provided men with an alternative to pushing an entire shopping cart. And unless you carried it in crook of your elbow, you could still pull off a pretty manly look, while shopping for baby food, organic soy milk and feminine hygiene products.

Now with the advent of these mini-carts, your only choice is to pick between carts, or do like I do and load up 50 lbs of groceries in your arms and then try to casually walk around with your neck veins popping out as you strain to carry 2 gallons of milk, a large cantaloupe, a jumbo pack of toilet paper, a bundle of bananas, a loaf of bread and a family pack of chicken thighs.

My only comfort comes from seeing 5 other guys in the checkout line; veins popping, beads of sweat gathering on their foreheads, refusing to give in to the mini-cart craze. As we exchange subtle gestures of solidarity, my milk jugs and the cantaloupe somehow begin to feel lighter.